The man is managing consultant and chief executive at one of Nigeria’s leading capacity building, or, if you prefer, human potential development firms. His firm is clearly an industry leader, and the litany of awards that clutter his table and office walls are eloquent testimony to what this young man has been able to achieve in a terrain largely peopled by dyed-in-the–wool intellectuals, and egg heads. Achievement, he has, survivor, he is, but happy he is not. The reason for this is as simple as it is tragic. His top consultants are leaving him in droves, for the equally tragic reason that they can’t stand him any longer! Put in other words, he doesn’t get along well with his people.
Ironically though, it was his own firm, that he contracted to engage the services of a HUMAN RELATIONS EXPERT, to attend to an ‘anonymous’ client.
My client was preparing to embark on a one-week holiday in China when I met with him. Since he had only three days left to his departure, he rather timidly, though hopefully, suggested that I accompany him on the trip (all expenses paid of course). I was, in any case, due for my own short vacation, I took him by complete surprise by acquiescing to his rather impetuous request. I already had a multiple visa, so entry into China would pose no problem.
After a 15 – hour junket in the Business Class section of a Qatar Airways Airbus we checked into the Holiday Inn at Shenzhen, a newly – developed industrial city about the same age as, Nigeria’s Federal Capital.
We were to spend an exhilarating three days in Shenzhen, and while savoring China’s culinary delights, and its oriental sights, and heritage, I took Dr. Giwa (not his real name) through a crash course in empathic communication
“Dr. Giwa, believe it or not, the main source of stress in our lives is interpersonal relating, both at home and at the workplace. The most significant requisite skill needed in life and living is communication”.
I paused,
“There are four basic types of communication available to us. May I trouble you to hazard a guess as to what these might be?”
Looking rather sheepish, he said, “Well, there is speaking, and then, of course, writing…and…oh yes, reading…I wonder what the fourth could be”. I smiled at him indulgently.
“The fourth, dear sir, is LISTENING! I am not altogether surprised that you would miss it out. Let’s face it, the skill of listening has been relegated so much to the background that while we all have formal training in speaking, writing, and reading, there is invariably no such training in listening”.
Dr. Giwa nodded in agreement I quickly added; “Yet, the need to deeply understand another person, especially from his own frame of reference, is a most fundamental one, and effective listening is the foundation of this deep understanding”. We were walking on the bank of a river, and we could see the hazy outlines of Hong Kong’s sky-scrapers in the far horizon. Hong Kong, which has only recently been re-integrated into Mainland China, was only 35 minutes away by boat.
“CEO, over the next few days we will jointly explore seven aspects of listening, and while I cannot promise you that an understanding, and mastery of these key principles will make you happy and successful, I can at least declare without equivocation that ignoring them will definitely lead to dislocations and fractures in your interpersonal relationships”.
I paused to throw a gasping fish back into the maker. “You see, Dr. Giwa, real listening is an incredibly complex skill to master. Most people subscribe to the grievous fallacy that listening is a passive and neutral activity. Nothing could be further from the truth” “Doctor, are you implying that in listening, we are actually supposed to be doing much more than mere listening?” Dr. Giwa asked.
“Indeed, sir, you are quite right. Listening involves not just accurately hearing what someone says, but also getting a ‘feel’ of who that person really is, how he perceives his world and his life, what he aims to accomplish, his concerns, his fears, his needs from you and a lot more”.
Dr. Giwa peered at me curiously. “Don’t you have to practically engage in metaphysics to be able to do all these?” He asked.
“Not really, Dr. Giwa. It’s just a skill that requires constant practice for one to master it, that’s all. This type of listening even involves listening to what someone is NOT DIRECTLY saying, or what the person might be too reluctant to say. This skill is what turns your listening into an active process. This is the first principle of effective listening.”
“The second principle, my dear CEO, is to recognize that most people are beset with unspoken fears and concerns, making them generally insecure. These unspoken issues are always there, and good listeners have developed the knack for attending to these background unspoken emotions and concerns.”
My client looked slightly bemused, so I decided to illustrate my meaning with an example.
“A young man’s wife had just been delivered of a baby boy. He sees his doctor and asks for a referral to a psychologist. He said he needed to resolve some lingering personal issues relating to childhood abuse at the hands of his father. To the doctor, the young man’s request seemed straight forward enough, but the doctor was insightful enough to hear other things in the background. He heard unspoken concerns, such as “Am I going to do the same thing to my son?” and “what can I do to keep from damaging my son?”, and even, “I must do all I can to prevent a repetition of my own experience in the hands of my father.”
I saw a fleeting light of comprehension appear in Dr. Giwa’s eyes
“Dr. Giwa, do you think that the doctor listened correctly?”
My client enthusiastically concurred that the doctor did. I continued.
“The doctor then gently addressed the young man’s fears and concerns by asking “Do I get the impression that you fear that you might unwittingly put your son through the same traumatic experience?”
The relief that was immediately evident on the young man’s face was touching indeed.
“Oh doctor, you are wonderful. You understand exactly where I’m coming from. Thank you so much.” He went on to acknowledge that he had for long secretly laboured under these depressing thoughts, and in fact now became sufficiently relaxed to be counseled by his doctor, since he no longer required a referral to a psychologist.
That evening, my client and I were introduced and exposed to what must quite simply be one of the most enduring of ancient Chinese religio-cultural practices. Our good friend Liu Xiaopeng, took us to visit a Shaolin temple, where we took part in an hour-long meditation session, which was presided over, by a wizened old man. I was told, much later, that the man was 120 years old! Hardly surprising, as he had lived on a STRICTLY VEGETARIAN diet for all of 90 years, had not lost his temper with anyone since he was 10 years old, had never tasted alcohol nor tobacco all his life, drank a gallon of water everyday and remained in tranquil, serene meditation for a total of 10 hours everyday. Can you beat that?