From our last encounter on this column, you will, no doubt, recall that I had taken a joint holiday to China with my client, Dr. Giwa, Managing Consultant and CEO at a leading, human potential development firm. You will also recall that we spent a heady three days in the elegant city of ShenZhen, a newly – developed industrial hub about the same age as Abuja, Nigeria’s Federal Capital. In between visits to industrial concerns, religio-cultural sites and the finest of Chinese restaurants, I had taken Dr. Giwa through the first two principles of effective listening.
On our fourth day in China, we left ShenZhen for the largely commercial city of GuangZhou by chartered taxi. The two hour trip afforded us the opportunity of glimpsing first hand, the industriousness and hard work that the Chinese have become known for. We saw virtually no wastelands between the two towns, as virtually every expanse of land was put to one use or the other. There were expansive farmlands with various forms of contemporary irrigation. Every once in a while, a cattle breeding farm, or a pig breeding facility, would come into view. Hundreds of Chinese folk dotted the country side with wide-brimmed straw hats covering their faces as they tended these farmlands.
GuangZhou turned out to be a largely commercial centre with a preponderance of foreign businessmen and women, who came at regular intervals to buy Chinese goods of all types for sale back home in their own countries. The Nigerian population in GuangZhou is amazing to say the least, with some even owning shops and employing Chinese attendants. That evening, after checking into the Zhuang Huan Hotel, Dr. Giwa and I took a stroll along an esplanade just outside the city limits.
“Doctor, why is it that human interaction is so complex”?
“Dr. Giwa, one cannot be a good listener if one does not really understand human beings. And this requires great wisdom. How does one acquire this wisdom? It’s through a combination of genuine luck in human interactions, hard work and a sincere dedication to comprehend the sheer complexity of human nature. After many years of experience, psychiatrists and psychologists often gain this type of wisdom. The wiser you become about life in general, the better a listener you invariably become. For instance, the more you learn about your own self-worth, and inner strength and weakness, the more you can “see” and “hear” these same qualities in others”.
“How then do you develop this knowledge without necessarily having the privileged exposure that psychiatrists have by virtue of their profession?” Dr. Giwa interjected.
“You can do this by committing to become a life-long student of human nature. You will have to keep on learning and expanding your mental horizons. It is important to read a lot of books, both fiction and non-fiction. It is also important to attend a lot of seminars and workshops that touch on human interaction in its various aspects. The more you know about life in general, the better a listener you will become. And this is the third principle of effective listening.”
Later on, at a fine restaurant on the GuangZhou waterfront, where I indulged my rather inordinate taste for king- sized prawns, we continued our discussion.
“Dr. Giwa, the fourth principle of effective listening is actually all about a labour of love for other people. This is because it involves a conscious desire to find something to respect and validate about what others are saying. This can be quite challenging. Lets face it, most of the time when we are apparently listening to others, we are actually preoccupied with deciphering faults and weaknesses in what they are saying. Only 3 percent of any studied population is able to transcend this unfortunate tendency. We end up disagreeing (either verbally or silently) with the other person’s opinions or points of view. Unfortunately, nobody likes to have other people disagree with them. That includes you and me, of course. We all want people to agree with our view points or at the very least, we want our thoughts and feelings to be respected, and considered as valid as the next person’s. And even if our opinions are predicated on faulty reasoning, we still, once again, want others to appreciate that these view points have great personal meaning and significance for us”.
“So, Doctor how does this REALLY tie in with the skill of listening?” Dr. Giwa asked looking a bit confused.
“Well, Dr. Giwa, if you do not make people feel that you respect their points of view, they will not feel “understood”, which invariably means that, as far as that particular person is concerned, you have been a bad listener”.
“Ah, I see” said Dr. Giwa, a light of comprehension appearing in his eyes. “But then, how does one develop this ability of listening to others with respect?” he further asked.
“Dr. Giwa, the first thing is to come to the realization that most people are not going to think, feel and reason just like you do. They are more inclined to do things their own way, and will not really care whether or not you subscribe to their own views. So, when you listen to others, try and remain in conscious awareness of this basic truth. How to align and come to terms with this basic truth is really quite simple: By a conscious act of will, choose to identify something meaningful and worthwhile in whatever someone is saying, no matter how totally inaccurate or perhaps even stupid, it may initially appear to you. The amazing thing is: if you look hard enough for these latent morsels of validity or merit in what others are saying, almost always, you will find them lurking somewhere”.
“Secondly, it will be of immense help to consciously realize and accept when your own line of reasoning is fundamentally different from that of others. The parent-child communication phenomenon provides pertinent example here. Parents often labour under the grand illusion that their children reason like ‘little adults’, and so tend to communicate with them on this perceived level. But children simply DO NOT think, feel or reason like adults. They do not respond to the same motivators, and quite frankly, do not relate to future goals and achievements as adults do. Now, if you fail to remind yourself of these fundamental differences, and they are ever so easy to forget, you will not be able to communicate with children effectively”.
Dr. Giwa suddenly stopped walking, and held his fore head in his palm in a gesture of sudden enlightenment. He said, almost in a whisper, “Perhaps this is also the reason why there are so many communication difficulties between men and women. Take my wife and I for instance, half the time, we seem to be speaking at cross-purposes.”
“Precisely, Dr. Giwa. The truth about men and women is that when it comes to communication styles and needs, they are very, very different. Speaking broadly, men tend to listen to problems from the standpoint of identifying and proffering effective solutions”. Dr. Giwa cut in excitedly at this point.
“Don’t tell me, Doctor I know the rest of the story. I’ve witnessed it all too often in my own domestic setting. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to talk ‘on and on’ and ‘round and round’ about a problem before talking of a solution. “I smiled sympathetically at him.
“Indeed, Dr. Giwa, you are absolutely right. Women are mere inclined to spend much more time talking about the problem before even broaching the possibility of a solution. This is largely because, although they are also interested in solutions, they are much more inclined to empathize with the “internal feelings”
of the other person.” Dr. Giwa, smiling and shaking his head, simply said, “women!”
“I’ll tell you what, Dr. Giwa. Since you are obviously quite fascinated by this subject of male-female communication, allow me to recommend a best-seller that will enlighten you further. It was written by John Gray, and first published by Happer Collins in 1992, and is aptly titled “Men Are From Mars— Women Are From Venus”.
By the time we got back to the hotel, it was quite late, and although it was already close to midnight, our new friend, a chain-smoking itinerant tourist guide of sorts, with the name Wang Ping, insisted on taking us on a stroll to savour the delights of road-side delicacy cooking, a popular culinary style in China, not much different from your suya-roasting Mallam in Northern Nigeria.